[yasr_overall_rating]
A mysterious virus hits an isolated elementary school, transforming the kids into a feral swarm of mass savages. An unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers in the fight of their lives.
Morgan Spurlock can’t say he didn’t warn us about all those processed chicken foods made of a mish-mash of parts squished together like sausage. In co-directors Jonathon Milott and Cary Murnion’s zombedy “Cooties,” those chicken nuggets made of who-knows-what parts of the chicken spark a virus that turns children who haven’t yet reached puberty into full-blown, flesh-eating zombies. And it’s not a reality show. Those teachers who don’t quickly end up on the menu hole up together and try figuring out a way to escape the hundreds of little monsters. All of this takes place in the aptly named small town of Fort Chicken, Illinois.
The ensemble cast performs well in playing off each other for maximum laughs. Elijah Wood plays Clint, a would be novelist living with his mother, who gets called at the last minute to substitute in summer school. His primary teaching strategy consists of having his students read the first chapter of his novel and give him a critique. Lucy (Alison Pill) occupies the classroom next door. She’s been “institutionalized” by years of teaching elementary school into wearing a positive, bubbly personality at all times. She’s Clint’s old flame, but has a boyfriend in burned out jock and athletic coordinator Wade (played to comic perfection by Rainn Wilson). Jack McBrayer is the gay teacher who’s basically the same character he played on “30 Rock.” Nasim Pedrad excels as Rebekkah, the frustrated Tea Party caricature living in a liberal state. Some of the funniest moments, though, come from Australian actor Leigh Whannell, portraying science guru Doug as a socially inept doofus. When we’re introduced to Doug, he’s reading a book titled How to Have a Normal Conversation. I’ll leave it up to you to decide how much it’s helping. There’s even a welcome appearance from Peter Kwong playing janitor/martial arts expert Mr. Hitachi. Then there’s crossing guard Rick (Jorge Garcia of “Lost”), who spends most of the film sitting in his van high on mushrooms. Given the subject matter, poor casting could have sunk this film, but casting director Terri Taylor nailed it.
Wilson gets most of the funniest lines, such as one featured in the trailer. Wade plays basketball by himself, oblivious to carnage going on around him until the children come his way. He turns around and issues this gem, “You can’t eat the teachers, man!” After sixteen years teaching in the public education system, I’m not sure that statement is true, but we’ll go with it. Wade calls upon his high school glory days as a championship athlete and is off to the relative safety of the school building. Wilson never lets up. His Wade has let himself go, but now has a chance to shine. The love triangle developing between him, Clint, and Lucy gives Wade a jealous edge bubbling with sharp insults landing squarely on target. He keeps the comedy moving with a little help from a few of the minor characters and big help from Wood and Whannell.
Clint’s entrance into class gives us a hint of the humor to come. He makes the typical substitute teacher mistakes to hilarious result, going toe to toe with malcontent student Patriot (Cooper Roth). Wood balances insecurity and self absorption perfectly. He plays Clint as smarter than Wade, just not quite as witty or confident, working well as his foil. He has great chemistry with Alison Pill, but their scenes trend more romantic than comedic. When the jokes happen between Clint and Lucy, the comedy feels a little forced. On her own, Pill keeps a smile on her face and a positive attitude until she inevitably snaps, speaking for a lot of teachers when she does. Lucy requires more range than any other character in the film, and Pill is more than up to the task.
Whannell is a real comedic find, stealing almost every scene he’s in. To say Doug is socially awkward is like saying Jack in The Shining had a few bad days. When he starts talking, you know he’s speaking English, but his words are so complicated nobody understands him at all. He’s full of scientific curiosity, but without the normal sanitary precautions most scientists take. Doug carries a creepy vibe around with him everywhere he goes, but when he says lines like “I’m gonna take his brain out,” you’re both disgusted and trying to keep yourself from laughing because he’s talking about a fourth grade boy. He’s just so single minded that he forgets to take some necessary steps, like putting on gloves or thinking about a twelve year old girl’s feelings or speaking normal English, all to hilarious effect.
While the comedy works, there are real moments of dramatically horrific tension. The gore factor gets dialed up to eleven, in some cases with the audience seeing the carnage of leftover child bodies. Adults get the worst of it, though. They get dismembered, disemboweled, and worse in all their blood-splattered glory. I could see the influence of “Saw” and “Glee” (sans music) all over the film. Many audiences probably aren’t ready for a child zombie film. “Children of the Corn” was bad enough. Now we’re going to watch children in gory make-up eating people and being killed in the typical zombie fashion for laughs. Good times. If there’s an organization called People for the Ethical Treatment of Children, I’m sure they’ll protest somewhere.
“Cooties” isn’t perfect. Sometimes its gore pushes the limits too much and the ending begins to drag, seeming only to set up a sequel, an addiction Hollywood execs just can’t seem to break. When compared to other great zombedies like “Shaun of the Dead” and “Zombieland,” “Cooties” holds its own. Many will choose to skip this one because its zombies are kids. I understand why. In fact, I had serious doubts going into the theater myself. To my great surprise, I had a lot of fun.
In theaters September 18th
