[yasr_overall_rating]
“The Horde” follows John Crenshaw as he accompanies his girlfriend and her students on a weekend nature-photography expedition deep into the woods. What should be an educational and fun-filled weekend turns into horror as the group is besieged by an unspeakable evil. As things go from bad to worse, Crenshaw becomes their only hope if they are going to get out alive.
The protagonists in “The Horde” commit one of the no-no’s of low budget horror movies: they all decide to go to a lake named after a rock formation. Only this isn’t Crystal Lake, it’s Sapphire Lake. And the film doesn’t just want to be “Friday the 13th,” “The Horde” wants to be a lot of other films as well. For one, there’s a 2009 French zombie flick also called “Horde.” The film also wants to be a revenge film like “Last House on the Left” or “I Spit On Your Grave.” The films also wants to feature some Hillbilly Horror like in “The Hills Have Eyes.” “The Horde” is not as good as any of the films I just mentioned. But that’s a high bar.
“The Horde” is scheduled for release on May 6th, the same weekend as “Captain America: Civil War.” You can see things here you won’t see in “Captain America.” Including:
- 1 striptease with side boob
- 1 off camera rape
- 4 chest axings
- 2 throat knifings
- 2 feet caught in traps
- 1 man set on fire
- 1 spiked log impalement
- 10 bitch slaps
- 4 arm twistings
- 3 objects through hands
- 2 pool-cue stickings
- 9 body pummels
- 7 surprise strangulations
- 2 chains around the neck
- 3 broken tents
- 1 inbred radiation-ridden monster face licking
- 1 head in a pot
- 1 tongue removal
- 1 chained dead naked lady
- 3 leg removals, and
- 1 adorable black pug
This cacophony of Hillbilly hijinks was directed by Jared Cohn, director of such classics as “Underground Lizard People” and “12/12/12.” Trained at the New York Institute of Technology, Cohn describes himself as a proponent of spiritualism and karma. This belief system confuses me, primarily because I’m not sure what one has to do to get her hands nailed to a table then raped by an inbred, genetically mutated hillbilly. The script was written by Paul Logan, who is a stuntman/actor/trained chiropractor. “The Horde” is the only writing credit so far for Logan, but he has appeared in the films “CobraGator” and “Skookum: The Hunt for Bigfoot” as well as the TV show, “Friends.”
The film opens with a series of flash cuts that appear to take place in a mine. But, “The Horde” isn’t about a mine. It is about in-bred, radiated, human flesh craving, drug making, teenage torturing hillbillies. It also has a backstory about an overturned prison bus. The biggest criticism I can make of “The Horde” is that the film did not know which horror to go after so the film tried to capture all of the horrors.
The film then cuts to Charlie, an ordinary guy who is out on a camping trip trying to bang his girlfriend. Charlie is played by Zac Goodspeed, whose only appearance in film to this point appears to be in “House Party: Tonight’s the Night.” Anyways, before Charlie can get it on with his girlfriend, the couple is attacked by a group of hillbillies. Charlie is killed and the girl is chased through the woods until she comes upon the lead villain, Cylus Atkinson, who informs the girl that these are, in fact, his woods. Atkinson is played by Costas Mandylor (or so I think, I don’t remember anyone ever actually calling him this in the film.) Mandylor starred in “Saw IV, V, and VI” and was named one of the 50 most beautiful people. I know him as Kenny Lacos from one of my favorite early 1990’s TV shows, “Picket Fences.” Although, I might be biased because I would watch a young Lauren Holly in anything, but I digress…
We then meet a group of what I think are high-schoolers who are discussing with their teacher, making a trip to Sapphire Lake for the class final project. We know from the very beginning that going to Sapphire Lake will be a very bad idea, mostly because bad things also happened at Crystal Lake. In this scene, we are also introduced to Riley, a flamboyant annoying rich kid who is buried knee deep in the credits but should not be because he is my favorite performer in the entire film. Riley is played by Thomas Ochoa, who is breaking into film acting after a nice little stint doing improv. I expect good work in the future from Ochoa. I wonder how large a stretch it was for Ochoa to play Riley.
Next, we meet John Crenshaw played by Paul Logan. Crenshaw is in the middle of practicing his engagement proposal to his girlfriend. Crenshaw owns an adorable, black pug. (And I think this might be Logan’s pug in real life because a quick trip to Logan’s Facebook page revealed a bevy of pug snapshots.) It turns out that Crenshaw’s girlfriend is the teacher of the photography class. Selina is played by Tiffany Brouwer, who has appeared in “The Help,” “The Introduction,” and “Con Games.” I have seen none of these films, but I thought it appropriate to summarize Brouwer’s filmography. Crenshaw agrees to go on the photography class trip with Selina thereby ruining his engagement plans at a swanky restaurant.
The class drives to Sapphire Lake, but stops first to get a bite to eat at a local establishment. Crenshaw is approached by a man who brings up life being a constant war. I am not sure who played this role, but this veteran character exists mainly to set up a foreboding, don’t go there tone. But this slight suggestion of approaching danger is quickly squashed when some local hillbillies try to sell drugs to the kids, Crenshaw kicks pool house butt, and the police make the Crenshaw crew leave.
Crenshaw’s crew soon arrives at Sapphire Lake and soon commence snapping photographs of wildlife, making camp, waxing philosophic on life, and trying to get it on with each other. Selina follows a series of notes telling her to go to the lake. When Selina gets to the lake, she finds Crenshaw there, ready to propose. But we can already tell that because based on the flower petals surrounding Crenshaw, this is clearly meant to be a wonderfully romantic moment. Later that night, one of the students, Sheila, and her boyfriend are attacked by more hillbillies. Sheila is played by Elisabeth Ferrara who is best known for “Felt,” “Week in London,” and “The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tigers: Animals.” (Once again, I have seen none of these films, but I feel like I should be telling you about them. I kind of want to see a saber tooth tiger ghost, though, so I might check that out. Before we know it, the whole class is attacked by the hillbillies and everyone except for Crenshaw is dragged up into the mountains.
Crenshaw, in the badass loner style of Chuck Norris and Rambo, patches himself up and prepares to go save his crew. Meanwhile, Hailey Summers, another classmate is thrown down on a table, has nails driven through her hands, and is raped off camera by an inbred, radiated, tree-face looking hillbilly. (And I’m wondering, why do characters in this film like Hailey have last names? I never knew her last name was Summers while watching the film.) Hailey is played by Sydney Sweeney, who has guested in “Criminal Minds” and “90210” and it looks like she is trying to break into horror film.
At some point, Crenshaw ends up breaking into hillbilly camp and slaying hillbillies with a bow-and-arrow and flaming arrows. But, even more confusingly, at some point, the hillbillies figure out that Crenshaw is an ex-marine. I don’t know how they know this, but the hillbillies begin taunting Crenshaw for being a soldier.
Crenshaw discovera Riley, who is bound to a table and no longer has legs. Crenshaw then rescues Hailey and Selina. Before Crenshaw and his women can drive off into the sunset, however, Crenshaw has a final boss fight with Stone, played by Matthew Willig. Willig, a retired NFL player, is a fearsome sight at six foot six and has appeared in the terrible film “Year One” and the TV show “Agents of Shield.”
Crenshaw takes off in a truck with the girls, which of course leads to a high speed chase. Almost out of gas, Crenshaw and the girls take refuge in a local bar owned Jacob Sutter, who asks ten times if he can get anyone anything. Sutter is played by Bill Moseley, an actor that you appear to hire in low budget horror films just to give your production an air of legitimacy. Sutter, a Yale graduate, appeared in “Repo: The Musical,” “House of 1000 Corpses,” “The Devil’s Rejects” and played a reoccurring role in “Carnivale,” which always reminds me of the good version of “American Horror Story: Freak Show.”
Turns out, Jacob is actually evil too and ends up turning a gun on Crenshaw and his women. Then the police arrive with guns pointed at Crenshaw as well. The viewer learns there is some unnecessary subplot about the hillbillies making a drug that the local police and bar owner help to sell. While I believe the legitimacy of this subplot, I did not need this story to enhance my appreciation of “The Horde” and felt like it was too much too late in the game. One of the officers is played by Nestor Serrano, a New Yorker who often plays well dressed, unsympathetic characters in films like “Lethal Weapon 2.”
So, Crenshaw finds himself cornered. So what does Crenshaw does? He shoots the two police officers and then corners Jacob because Crenshaw somehow knows there are no bullets in Jacob’s gun. Crenshaw proceeds to douse the bar in flammables, make the whole place explode, utter the laconic line “I gave him what he deserves,” and then in a moment that I will neither attempt to understand nor appreciate, Crenshaw salutes the weird war veteran guy that we met before going to Sapphire Lake.
Thus ends “The Horde.” A gritty little film that gives you everything you ask for and a little bit more. Lastly, there are characters in this film named Chains, Jethro, Zeke, and Scars. I’m not sure which of the hillbillies these characters were or I would have noted each actor by name. I also failed to include John Omohundro in my review, who plays Derrick Manning and ends up with his head in a pot.
Available on VOD in the US and Canada May 6th
