Scott Lang and Hope Van Dyne, along with Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, explore the Quantum Realm, where they interact with strange creatures and embark on an adventure that goes beyond the limits of what they thought was possible.
No amount of quirky hijinks, weird creatures, or trippy special effects (more on that later) can save Peyton Reed’s horrendously-titled “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania” from utter mediocrity. I’d rather it were not good. Bad films are fun to review. Truly bad films tend to be ambitious endeavors gone horribly awry, which is to say at least a modicum of intelligence was involved — intelligence that couldn’t keep up with ambition. But something so brainless and bland, so catered to a mass audience, so predictable every step of the goddamn way — well, that becomes a bit tedious to review, sort of like reviewing a microwave. It’s… functional, but barely. You’d rather have a proper home-cooked meal.
The dumb-as-nails story in a nutshell: When Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) seems to have started leading a more-or-less normal life, he, his boo Hope (Evangeline Lilly), his daughter Cassie (Kathryn Newton), Dr. Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), and Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer) all get sucked into the quantum realm. There, they have to face a massive threat: Kang the Conqueror (Jonathan Majors), exiled to this place due to his continuous destruction of the universe or something. Lots of other inconsequential shit happens; Janet’s past surfaces, as do Hank’s ants, etc.
What the hell is going on with this world? Why does everyone look different? Why do some inhabitants of this realm possess wild superpowers while others seem to have none? How come the air is breathable? What’s with gravity? How did this world originate? How in the hell does a teenager put together a quantum device? Forget that — how do ANTS do it? (Oh yeah, they’re smart, the film offers by way of explanation.) How the hell did Janet Van Dyne, figure out all that quantum shit and fix ships in this realm with such limited resources? (It took years, the film explains, portraying an exhausted Pfeiffer finally finishing her work. Ahh, right, right.) I won’t even get into the physics of shrinking/growing larger, the passage of time compared to the “real” world, or the multitude, trust me, MULTITUDE of things that make zero sense. This entire film’s foundation is nonsense.
The fact that the special effects look murky and blurry doesn’t help matters. “Starship Troopers” had better effects than this — in 1997. Perhaps I’m spoiled after watching “Avatar: The Way of Water” twice (which is once too many, by the way), but one would think “Ant-Man” ’s $150M-$200M budget would deliver something better than this. Considering the entire narrative takes place in a surreal quantum world, the last thing you want to be subjected to is two hours of apparent green screen.
Think what one could do with this cast. Reed does as little as feasible. Paul Rudd is left on the sidelines. Evangeline Lilly, even more so, her Wasp reduced to battling or reacting to things. Kathryn Newton’s politically-correct, do-gooder daughter may be one of the most annoying kids to come out of the Marvel canon so far, and that’s saying a lot. Douglas cashes in his paycheck, enunciating ridiculous lines I never thought I’d hear him enunciate. Pfeiffer weirdly seems to get the most screen time, which is a plus, although it pains me to see the stalwart delegated to swapping at imaginary things while pretending to be frightened. She’s a class-act, she deserves better than this.
They dragged Bill Murray into this too. My heart fell when I saw him appear and then disappear within minutes. But he was there, I’m sure. Then there’s Corey Stall as M.O.D.O.K., who admittedly has a few amusing moments, but his head is so uncannily (purposefully) shoddy-looking that it throws you off constantly. Katy M. O’Brian as Jentorra may be the most dislikable character of them all, given that she HAS no character, just a series of proclamations and strained facial expressions. As for Majors, so brilliant in the recent Sundance fave “Magazine Dreams” — he hams it up to an extreme here, somehow managing to emanate next-to-no threat despite his limitless power. Perhaps Kang will be further fleshed out in the upcoming entries.
There are a few moderately inventive touches. Though inexplicable regarding its origins, the sheer variety of flora and fauna in the quantum realm is at least mildly absorbing. A hallucinatory scene involving Ant-Men multiplying into a towering mountain of ant-like men marks the feature’s highlight. Then there’s the scene… oh, forget it. This is about as much credit as I am willing to give.
The overarching issue here is that I’m OD-ing on Marvel fair. With the deluge of Marvel shows on Disney+ and the recent series of middling-to-worthless Marvel films, the well of Marvel ideas — once quite marvelous — seems to have run dry. No matter how hard they strain to break away from the formula (see: “WandaVision”) or adapt to the insanity of today’s warring ideologies (see, or actually please don’t: “Eternals”), it’s all the same schtick, thinly disguised as “novel” and “inventive” and (gasp!) “progressive.” You see it once, you see it five times — after the 100th, the cracks really start show. It’s all oh-so-fucking-stupid. “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania” (God, I hate just writing out the title) represents that stupidity in every atom. I’d rather sit bare-assed on an ant-hill than watch it ever again.
In Theaters Friday, February 17th
