It’s the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their ‘man-animals’ are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.
Written in large Mountain Dew Green Font, “The year is 3000 and man is an endangered species.” So begins this overblown sci-fi tale by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the Mega-Cult Scientology. Barry Pepper is Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, (seriously, that’s his name) he lives in a cave system below the Rockies with a group of people dressed similarly in leather Renaissance Fair costumes. An elder speaks of how mankind forgot their belief in alien gods and now they are hunted by demons from the sky. The Demons are Psychlos, hulking dread-locked alien/human hybrids that have enslaved the planet for 1,000 years. Jonnie is determined to undertake a walkabout type quest to prove whether or not any gods exist. I can’t overstate the campy blockbuster attempts with Star Wars-heavy screen-wipes, jarring jumps to slo-mo, and characters overacting as if their lives depended on it. Jonnie is gleefully riding his horse when he stumbles upon a massive creature, he pulls out a freakin’ nine iron and begins to wildly swing at what happens to be a statue of a dinosaur. This ruckus catches the attention of two hunters, one played by the excellent character actor Kim Coates and they approach and eventually befriend Jonnie. Everyone in this film talks like Malibu Surfers mimicking Shakespeare in a school play.
The trio’s goofy adventures come to an abrupt halt when massive aircraft come down and kidnap them. They are taken to the Psychlo’s headquarters on Earth, a massive dome in Denver, and an introduction to the big honcho Terl (John Travolta). Travolta has had some insane wig work over the years but this dread-locked ZZ-Top beard might take the cake. While admonishing a lower-ranked Psychlo Terl states, “you must be out of your Skull bone if I’m going to write on my report that you were shot by a Man-Animal.” This is a perfect example of the cringe-worthy dialogue. The Psychlo’s Headquarters is a mix between the canteen bar in Star Wars and some cyberpunk nineties vision of the future with nauseating green cocktails. The camera angles are diagonal compositions attempting to be immersive but instead invoke motion sickness. Terl’s right-hand man is Ker (Forest Whitaker), his confidant, and potentially his future successor. During a meeting of Psychlo leaders, Terl is told he’s to remain indefinitely on Earth for some event “involving a senator’s daughter.” Jonnie begins to lead a human uprising while Terl is trying to plot his way off Earth.
On a related but different medium, I highly recommend reading the superb account of L. Ron Hubbard called “The Bare-Faced Messiah.”
Hubbard was a legendary charlatan but actually possessed a talent for writing in his early years. The famous sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov was a colleague and even a fan until Hubbard debuted “Dianetics.” The bizarre “new science” amounted to what some called “gibberish,” or “a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology.” As crazy as the plot to “Battlefield Earth” is, it’s nothing compared to the formation and early documented years of Scientology.
In some good news, for a budget of around $75 million dollars, “Battlefield Earth” only made 29 million at the box office. I read that Forest Whitaker openly regretted being involved with the messy picture. Barry Pepper is still one of my favorite actors but it was weird to see him unable to overcome a terrible script and production. It’s certainly not his fault, this is a passion project devoted to a man who spent his lifetime lying and benefiting from the misery of others. I think it’s safe to say this is the worst film in the year of our lord 2000.
Available on Blu-ray & Digital October 6th from Mill Creek Entertainment
