4K Ultra HD™ Review: Spielberg, Lucas, And Ford Hit Rock Bottom With “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull”

In 1957, archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones is called back into action and becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

Yep, you read that rating correctly, half a star. It’s so sad that between Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford, they could churn out such a floundering, laughable, and unintelligent piece of garbage such as this. Let me give you a breakdown of how many times I saw each Indy film in theaters. In 1981, I saw “Raiders” 42 times, in 1984, “Temple of Doom” 25 times, in 1989, “Last Crusade” 19 times, and in 2008, I saw “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” twice. And that was two times too many. The majority of the blame lies with Lucas. I had no problem with the Russians being the bad guys since the film takes place in 1957, and during that decade, Russia was indeed a big threat to America, with both nations locked in the long, tense conflict, the Cold War. That wasn’t the problem, the issue was that Lucas felt it was totally acceptable to introduce aliens (or Interdimensional beings as they are referred to in the film) to a series that was pretty much grounded in practical reality. At least within the confines of each movie. Granted, every film in the original trilogy had occasional moments of fantastic escapism, but it was more of a wink and a nod to the audience than implausible circumstance.

In “Crystal Skull,” Indy survives an atomic blast by hiding in a lead-lined refrigerator in a model town right before an atomic bomb test. It sends the fridge miles through the air, only for it to come crashing down on the ground, toppling repeatedly for hundreds of yards before landing firmly in place. Then Indy gets out and stands up, right next to the mushroom cloud, and survives. It is an absolutely ludicrous scene that feels out of place, even in an Indy movie. The fact that Spielberg and Lucas would allow such an outrageous spectacle to be included shows just how out of touch both men had become in the years since “Last Crusade.” Had they kept the story more in tune with the original trilogy, the fans might have been more accepting. Another major aspect that was considered inexcusable by the fans and many critics was the inclusion of aliens and flying saucers. The Ark of the Covenant, the Sankara Stones, and the Holy Grail were mythical objects entrenched throughout time, appearing in the Bible and history books; therefore, audiences felt that they were attainable because evidence left behind offered clues as to their whereabouts, making Indy’s pursuit of them more authentic. In “Crystal Skull,” Indy deals with something that is literally and figuratively otherworldly, and as a result, it feels totally out of place in the Indy universe. This is supposed to be an action-adventure film, not “The X-Files.”

When Indy and his partner Mac (Ray Winstone) are captured by Russian soldiers in Mexico and brought to Hangar 51 in the Nevada desert, they are introduced to Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett), a villainous Soviet agent and also a psychic who has desires on finding telepathic crystal skulls with ties to an alien life form that holds great psychic power. Her plan is to brainwash and manipulate the minds of American forces, giving the Soviets a tactical advantage in the Cold War. Indy is forced to track down a crate containing a mummified corpse from the Roswell UFO incident, where a supposed United States Army Air Forces balloon crashed in July of 1947. Upon opening the crate, which reveals the body of a dead alien, Indy gets the upper hand on the Russians by disarming a soldier and grabbing his gun, and pointing it at Spalko. At this point, Mac reveals himself to be a double agent working on the side of the Russians. Indy causes a distraction by dropping the gun, which fires off a round, hitting a soldier in the foot, giving him the chance to escape. He tries to steal the alien crate but is unsuccessful as he becomes embroiled in a fight with Spalko’s henchman Dovchenko (Igor Jijikine).

During the scuffle, Indy knocks Dovchenko into a control room, where he lands on a panel, inadvertently starting a 30-second countdown on a digital clock. They end up on a rocket sled with a jet engine crudely bolted onto the deck of the flat car. When the clock reaches zero, the engine roars to life, sending both men down the railroad tracks at supersonic speed. At the other end, Dovchenko has passed out from the rapid acceleration, giving Indy time to escape before the rest of the Russians come looking for him. He ends up in a model town just as an atomic bomb is about to be tested. He manages to climb into a lead-lined refrigerator and survives the explosion when FBI agents eventually rescue, decontaminate, and interrogate him. He tells them that he was unaware that Mac was working with the Russians, but they don’t believe him, and he is put on an indefinite leave of absence from Marshall College. Greaser Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) approaches Indy, informing him that Jones’ former colleague, Professor Harold Oxley (John Hurt), who is also a friend of Mutt and his mother, found a crystal skull in Peru but has since disappeared, feared kidnapped along with Mutt’s mother, Marion, who went searching after him.

Mutt gives Indy a letter from Oxley, a riddle in an ancient language that takes both men to Peru. As Indy tries to decipher Ox’s letter, they are captured by the Russians and brought to a camp in the Amazon jungle, where they are reunited with Ox and Mutt’s mother, Marion, who is actually Indy’s old flame Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen). She eventually tells him that Mutt is his son, much to Indy’s surprise. On the road to Akator, where the crystal skulls are reported to be, Indy, Mutt, Marion, and Ox escape the clutches of the Russians and realize that they must get to Akator before Spalko and her men do; otherwise, the fate of the U.S. will lie in the hands of Spalko and her psychic abilities.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is absolutely horrendous. Harrison Ford, who at least appears to be having fun returning to the role that made him a household name, is the only redeeming aspect. The film utilizes an overabundance of CGI, and one of the movie’s lowlights is Mutt swinging through the jungle on vines, accompanied by monkeys who can differentiate between the good guys and the bad guys. There is also a juvenile scene where Mutt and Spalko fence off against each other with swords as they ride atop two jungle cars side by side, with Mutt getting whacked in the groin by passing bushes and shrubs, akin to a Saturday morning cartoon. There are more scenes comparable to these, but I am not going to mention them as I feel utterly embarrassed in doing so. I fail to recognize “Crystal Skull” as Indy 4, instead, I like to imagine it is a dream Indy had one night while on a daring mission that would be ten times better than this atrocity.

Available on 4K Ultra HD™ June 6th