I interviewed writer/director Roger Nygard via email and asked him some questions about the release of his film, “The Truth About Marriage” on DVD, streaming services and its companion book. Below are his thoughtful answers.
Susan Kandell: Your film, “The Truth About Marriage,” has traversed the world-wide festival circuit; I saw it last year at the USAFF in Dallas. And now you’ve written a companion book to the film. What can we learn from the book that wasn’t addressed in the film?
Roger Nygard: On my journey to better understand the secrets of happy relationships and marriages, I tracked down two-dozen, bonafide experts, psychologists, and relationship specialists who explained why we do so many things wrong, why relationships are a challenge, and how to make them work better. The companion book is an expanded collection of their wisdom, laid out in a more logical sequence, as a primer to assist in understanding the impossible mystery of relationships.
SK: Let’s start at the beginning……Why would you set your focus on this particular topic?
RN: When I was at the 2009 USA Film Festival, the inevitable question came from an audience member, “What is your next project?” I didn’t have a next project. I was still exhausted from the 4-year process of making my prior documentary, “The Nature of Existence.” But you can’t say, “I dunno,” and look like an idiot. So I made a joke, “After searching for the meaning of existence, I need a new topic that is even more inexplicable than existence itself: marriage.” It got a laugh so I worked it into my Q&As after that. It also got me thinking, “Maybe I’m right.” So off I went again, on a new journey, chasing down a new impossible topic.
SK: Were you surprised by who stayed together and who split up? I certainly was! Did you have any preconceived notions that were dispelled?
RN: I was constantly surprised by what happened with the couples I profiled. I think they were too. There is one moment I captured where the wife of a rapper reveals that she got pregnant on purpose, and you can see the shock and surprise on her husband’s face as this information registers. He had no idea she had done that. These are the priceless moments you seek as a documentarian.
SK: There have been many films that have dealt with the subject of relationships – mostly rom-coms; “What Women Want,”…“Crazy, Stupid, Love” for example. And then there was “Hitch” which had one of the all-time great lines spoken by Will Smith; “Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.” Many of the experts you feature in the film give advice….but could it be that simple?
RN: My goal was to investigate this complex mystery of relationships and come away with simple, easy-to-implement relationship hacks that anybody could implement and live happier. It turns out that we are all doing relationships wrong. Some less wrong than others. Why hasn’t anybody told us this? I had believed that something natural should come easily. But relationships are anything but easy. Nobody teaches us in school how to have relationships. We each have to re-invent solutions for ourselves. The film and the book have all the simple answers. Here’s one example: listening. Men are terrible listeners. They need to come home, put their phone on airplane mode for 20 minutes, and ask, “How are you feeling, honey? How was your day?” Men want to problem solve, and offer suggestions. Don’t do it. Just ask and shut up!! Listen for a few minutes per day. THEN you can watch the game. Not before. Do not violate this rule. Unless you don’t want to be happier as a couple. Then keep looking at flat screens instead of each other.
SK: What did you think of the current film “Marriage Story”? It sounded like the couple could use the assistance of some of the professionals in the documentary. I couldn’t help thinking that had they watched your film, their story would have had a better ending!
RN: YES! I loved “Marriage Story.” It felt like it was written by somebody who knew. Both of the characters did not understand that you have to express love in the way your partner needs to experience it, not in the way you prefer. The mistake we make is that we assume our partner needs and wants the same thing we do. They don’t! Both need to accept that we are different, we are meant to complete each other, not duplicate each other. We each need different relationship vitamins. Learn what your partner needs. Ask for what you need.
SK: Final question…Where can I get a copy of your grandmother’s cranberry pie recipe?
RN: My grandmother was such a good cook! I miss her cooking so much! She cooked for everybody whenever you visited until she was in her late nineties when her eyesight started to fail her. Learn to cook well and people will always visit you. You won’t have to ask. They will show up. You will have to kick them out. That’s a different and much better problem to have.
If you missed this information included with the review, it bears repeating:
You can check out the film trailer below.
You can order the book HERE.
Or order the film with this LINK: (discounted before 02/14 – hurry!)
For more information, check out the website: www.TheTruthAboutMarriage.com
Reprinted in part with permission of the Texas Jewish Post.
