[yasr_overall_rating]
Abandoned by his parents as a child, Diz lives a life marked by thievery and abandonment. When he robs a local drug-dealing crazy, he becomes the owner of a giant pile of cash and the target of two vicious killers.
Sometimes films turn out to be so bad, they defy categorization. What were the filmmakers behind “The River Thief” thinking? The whole affair strongly whiffs of pseudo-inspirational, target-audience-pandering faith-based fare, where things like proper character development, originality, tension, nuance and so forth get swept away by wild efforts to please the Bible crowd with finger-wagging messages. If, however, director N.D. Wilson’s intention was to make a sobering drama with thriller elements, he failed miserably on both accounts, filling his ridiculous plot with such a rapid succession of genre staples, one would be hard-pressed to pinpoint each one. In fact, that’s probably the only thing this film is good for: playing a drinking game called “Spot the Stereotype!” Warning: rapid intoxication will occur.
It all starts well with a series of beautiful images of a Grand Canyon-like valley. We follow young Diz (Joel Courtney) down the Snake River as he robs people, stealing everything that comes his way – from small things, like shirts, to guns and boats. He gets by and seems content, one with the river, always escaping into its safety. The first five minutes or so, I was perked up, somewhat intrigued by where the film was taking me.
Turns out, into a swampy land of atrocious dialogue and amateur acting. Diz meets Selah (Raleigh Cain), a waitress, and pays her with a candle and a porcelain girl (“She reminds me of you,” he says.) When Selah kicks him out, Diz proceeds to spy on her singing gospel tunes with her God-loving grandfather Marty (a wooden Tommy Cash – the late Johnny’s younger brother). When Diz stumbles on a drug deal, unknowingly stealing the thugs’ car, he barely makes an escape in the all-cleansing river. Now Clyde (Bas Rutten) and Saul (Paul Johansson) are on his tail.
One boring thing leads to an even duller one, until Marty and Selah eventually get kidnapped for ransom – along with Diz later – and two twists, one more ridiculous than the other, occur in rapid succession, in a desperate attempt to tie everything together neatly and tack on a profound message at the end. Long story short, what initially starts as a somewhat-unusual study of a young, confident, rebellious kid with potential, swiftly becomes mired in half-assed filmmaking – the type of which I’ve seen too many times, having worked in the distribution business.
No one sets out to make a bad film? People who want to make money with their no-name, low-budget endeavors, that’s who. Lacking the talent to produce anything that would be artful or worthwhile, they are keen to be in the industry and/or monetize their product by targeting specific demos – in this case, I presume, secluded church-goers, righteous families and ignorant hillbillies. Anyone with an above-average intelligence would dismiss this crap, which has nothing to offer, except for maybe its funky soundtrack and a basic sequencing/editing prowess.
I mentioned horrid acting and dialogue. Perhaps the former would be better if the latter was polished (or entirely rewritten) a few more times. Here are a few shining examples of the wisdom “The River Thief” imparts: “You think stealing gives you control? Well, gratitude gives you freedom.” “You are my family. I’ve been given to you and you’ve been given to me.” “I don’t believe in money,” Diz declares defiantly at one point. “The only thing dumber than a guy is a girl,” a bartender says. “That’s just rude,” Selah replies, the quick-witted firecracker that she is. “I don’t believe in sermon, old man,” Diz proclaims (he generally doesn’t “believe,” you see). Marty’s enigmatic response? “Well, that’s a matter of opinion.” The thugs are especially memorable, with quips like, “That’s when I’ll catch him. And when I do… then you can skin him” rendering them supremely threatening.
Whether you’re devout churchgoers or not, if you’ve ever seen a decent film or read a good book – or even if you haven’t – avoid this thief at all cost.
Now available on Cable & Satellite Video On Demand
