An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.
I have always enjoyed Stephen Sommers’ movies: “Deep Rising,” “The Mummy,” “The Mummy Returns,” and even “Van Helsing,” thanks, in part, to its gung-ho cast which included Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Robbie Coltrane, and regular Sommers collaborator, Kevin J. O’Connor. When word came out in the mid-2000s that Sommers was planning to make a big-screen adaptation of G.I. Joe, fans were excited to see what he would do. However, upon its release in 2009, the moviegoing public and critics alike were beyond dismayed at the atrocity that was presented to them, including yours truly. While it would eventually make over $300 million worldwide, much of the cast would later talk about how much they hated working on the film, specifically its star, Channing Tatum. In the end, “The Rise of Cobra” fell way short of Sommers’ previous efforts, and is his last big blockbuster to date.
The movie focuses on an elite covert special mission unit called G.I. Joes, a team of undercover agents who operate out of The Pit, their command center which is located in Egypt. After a secret mission goes awry for NATO troops led by American soldiers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), they are the last remaining soldiers and are about to be killed when the Joes intercept them and manage to scare away the bad guys, a terrorist organization known as COBRA, led by the evil Cobra Commander. Having stolen nanotechnology from NATO, nanomites designed to devour metal and other materials, COBRA now has the ability to build an army of indestructible soldiers. Duke and Ripcord join the G.I. Joes and set out to prevent COBRA from destroying the world and securing world domination.
While “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” had all the necessary ingredients to become a bona fide smash hit, it seems to miss the mark at every turn. While Channing Tatum has gone on to become a Hollywood A-lister in the years since, his performance here is absolutely horrendous. For a supposed action star, he is toneless, uninteresting, and completely devoid of any signs of life for the entire duration of the movie. He is supposed to have a romantic history with one of the bad guys, The Baroness (played by Sienna Miller) but even the flashbacks of them in happier times show no chemistry between the two stars. Dennis Quaid overacts in every scene he appears in, trying to embarrassingly appear as the baddest badass in the room, all the while making Nicolas Cage look like Marlon Brando. Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, and Byung-hun Lee do the best they can with such a terribly contrived script but no amount of talent could have saved this abomination.
In 2013, Sommers would go on to direct the indie hit “Odd Thomas,” starring the late Anton Yelchin but since then, he has not directed any other films. According to IMDb, he is currently in pre-production on a big-budget disaster flick called “When Worlds Collide,” about a rogue planet on a collision course for Earth and I have to admit, I love disaster movies and this sounds like it could be great, corny fun, akin to “Deep Impact” and “Armageddon.” I just hope it is the film that resurrects his career because, with the right script and cast, Sommers can create magic.
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